


(I will make you believe) you are lovely.

by crumbleduppieceofpaper



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, cute + fluffy, in which Cosima loves Doctor Who, trigger warning: mention of scars, trigger warning: mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 05:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4864817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crumbleduppieceofpaper/pseuds/crumbleduppieceofpaper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the fandom theory that "the girl Delphine knew well in boarding school who tried to kill herself" was actually Delphine is true and Delphine has physical scars + Cosima's reaction to it.</p><p>This summary kinda sucks but it's a short fic, so yeah, why not read it anyway?</p>
            </blockquote>





	(I will make you believe) you are lovely.

**Author's Note:**

> !!!!!
> 
> Trigger warning: mention of scars and mention of suicide (in the past).
> 
> !!!!!

Cosima thought, at first, that it was just another night on the couch.

One of those nights where Cosima would pick something to watch (which always contained either aliens or horror – or both) and Delphine would make the popcorn (two bowls, because Cosima liked sweet while she liked sour). When Delphine returned to the living room from the kitchen, Cosima would be sitting on the couch with the remote in her hand, a blanket over her legs and a huge grin on her face, the kind of grin that said ‘you don’t have any idea what you’re in for and I can’t wait ‘till you realize that’. Delphine loved that cheeky grin.

She would sit down next to Cosima but it wouldn’t take long for them to change positions. It was usually fifteen minutes into the movie when Delphine would shuffle over to the end of the couch and Cosima would rest her head on her lap, spreading out on the rest of the couch. Cosima was obviously in the best position, here, but that was okay with Delphine; she loved to play with Cosima’s dreads and the little purr-like sound that Cosima made when she did so.

Cosima had strict rules when watching TV. She didn’t like it when Delphine covered her eyes or made jokes or asked questions during the movie. Delphine had also discovered that attempts to make out during Doctor Who had gone unanswered.

“Delphine,” Cosima would whine, “Stop distracting me. I’m missing a big part of the plot.”

Delphine would stop kissing her neck, disappointed, but Cosima always made up for it. Only when Doctor Who was finished, though.

               

So, when Delphine started talking that night, Cosima didn’t answer at first.

“Cosima,” Delphine said after Cosima had ignored her the first time, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Hm?” Cosima hummed. She looked up. Delphine looked serious, her face tense. Cosima paused the movie.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, sitting up and turning around to face Delphine. The concern in Cosima’s voice made Delphine blush. She looked down, suddenly unsure of what to say. What if Cosima thought she was a freak? What if Cosima laughed at her? What if Cosima started crying? Would she be able to handle that?

“Hey,” Cosima said in the softest voice she could manage. Delphine looked up. Cosima had only seen her look this insecure a few times before. She stroked her thumb across Delphine’s cheek.

“You can tell me anything,” she reassured. It was true; Delphine and Cosima had gone through so much, there was little coming out of Delphine’s mouth that would surprise Cosima now.

 

“You know how I told you I went to boarding school?” Delphine asked in a small voice. Cosima nodded, all possible thoughts of what could’ve gone wrong at boarding school flooding her brain.

“Okay, so when I was at boarding school, at the age of seventeen, things were going very bad for me. I had no friends, my roommates hated me, I barely saw my parents – the only thing going well was my academic performance,” Delphine told Cosima, her voice trembling, “At some point I got so lonely my grades started dropping as well. My parents were upset. Instead of asking if something was wrong, they pushed me to do better. I… I was upset and lonely and I felt horrible because I was letting my parents down. I would cry myself to sleep –  not once or twice, but for months. My life was not enjoyable anymore. It was just a series of days, weeks, months I had to get through.”

Cosima didn’t dare to interrupt, but when she saw a tear sliding down Delphine’s cheek, she quickly grabbed Delphine’s hand and squeezed it. Delphine smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I realized that this was not living. This was just surviving. And I didn’t want that.”

A sob escaped Delphine’s mouth as she hurried out the next sentence, “So one day I sat down in the bathtub and I slit my left wrist.”

Cosima tried her hardest not to gasp, knowing how awful it was when you told a friend something important and they gasped like it was outrageous. Instead she squeezed Delphine’s hand again and tried to come up with something to say. She failed to do so, but that was okay, because Delphine wasn’t finished with her story yet.

“It wasn’t enough to kill me. My roommates found me and I was admitted to the hospital immediately. The doctors treated me the best they could and I was in a coma for a few days, but then I woke up and I was still alive. Back then I wished I’d been dead. But I was alive. They managed to patch me up. The only thing they couldn’t fix was my scar.”

“Baby,” Cosima whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

Delphine just nodded in acknowledgement, not sure what to say to that. Thank you didn’t fit, and she didn’t really feel like smiling either.

“Every day, when I wake up, I see this scar and I’m reminded of exactly who I am. The girl who tried to kill herself,” Delphine admitted, absent-mindedly stroking her left wrist with her finger.

“No,” Cosima said. With a resolute expression she sat up a little and tilted Delphine’s chin with her finger to make Delphine look at her.

“You are more than this scar,” Cosima said, strong-willed , “This scar may be a reminder of your past, but it’s not all you are. You are more than what you’ve done. We’ve all made mistakes in our past.”

“But I’ve made so many,” Delphine said through her tears.  

“And you’ve done so many good things as well!” Cosima retorted.

Delphine nodded. Although she still wasn’t convinced she was a good person, Cosima’s logic made sense.

“You think you’re ready to show me that scar?” Cosima’s voice was apprehensive. She had heard stories of how ugly and vulnerable scars could make you feel; she just needed Delphine to know she would always be beautiful to Cosima.

Delphine didn’t say anything in response. She lifted up her sleeve to reveal a long, white line on the inside of her wrist.

Cosima slowly moved her hands over to it, looking at Delphine for permission to touch it. Delphine nodded and soon she felt Cosima’s index finger travelling over the thing that had haunted her for so many years.

She watched Cosima. Unlike her parents, Cosima didn’t look at it like it was a flaw. She didn’t look at it as if it was an error, something that was never supposed to be on Delphine’s skin: she looked at it as if it didn’t faze her at all. It wasn’t like she wasn’t taking it seriously – Delphine could tell she was from the way she was carefully dragging one finger over the scar – but she didn’t seem shocked by it, either. She didn’t make it seem like a scandal.

Then Cosima did something Delphine had never expected to see anyone do. Cosima carefully took Delphine’s wrist in her hands and, while looking at Delphine, lifted it until she was pressing her lips upon Delphine’s scar. She gave it a soft kiss and then let it go.

“I know my kisses don’t have some kind of magic and they can’t make the scar disappear, but I hope you know you’re still beautiful to me. We’ve all got scars and ghosts. One of yours is physical. It’s heavy and confronting, but it’s part of you and I love every part of you.”

Delphine, who had just gotten herself together, started sobbing again at that. Cosima smiled to herself, because she could hear that it was the relieved kind of crying. She pulled Delphine into her and pressed a kiss upon the top of Delphine’s head.

“Je t’aime,” Delphine whispered into Cosima’s chest. Cosima knew sometimes she’d say ‘I love you’ in French because it meant much more to her.

“Je t’aime aussi,” she whispered back.


End file.
